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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 8, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PST

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>> it was just odd. napoleon dynamite? rico in >> which one was uncle rico? >> the guy with the hair parted in the middle and he was constantly throwing passes, talking about his high school football career, not working.cay comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tone results of super tuesday as well as a preview of meh saturday. and should we go to war with iran? i'll look at the pros and the positives. then my guest, actor willem defoe has a new movie about war
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on mars. i didn't know mars had oil. [laughter] happy 100th birthday, oreos. in your honor i'm eating 100 oreos today. same as every day. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody. good to see ya. [cheering and applause] thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [audience chanting "stephen"]
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i can't stop that. i can't stop that. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. i cannot stop your love any more than i can stop the incoming tide. nation, as you know, i have been committed from day one bringing you up-to-the-minute news on the large collideer. i have done countless story on this. [laughter] well, now, folks, dramatic developments as physicists are getting closer to finding the so-called god parliament, the elusive subatom cal particle is clearly theoretical. i read it in today's "new york times," whose continued existence is also purely theoretical. [laughter] evidently it seems the large hadron collider works by ramping electrons up to 99% of the speed of light and then smashing them together to release a shower of particles.
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well, in an unexpected turn, not only do the electrons smash into each other, they have struck the physicist's funny bone. because it says here on the effort to isolate the particle, it has led to a joke in physics circles now. the higs boson has not been discovered yet, but its mass is 125 billion electron votes. [laughing] it's funny because two independent particle accelerators had correlating bumps in their data sets. [laughter] it works on so many levels and in so many dimensions. well, i guess you had to be there. [laughter] and simultaneously not be there. [laughter] speaking of not really being there, mitt romney. [laughter and applause]
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last night... last night was super tuesday, a ten-state g.o.p. primary orgy, a big, sweaty pile of lever-yanking republican voters, and like most orgy, it involves a bunch of middle-aged guys who are not appealing to women. now, i will say, it is impressive that at his age and weight newt gingrich is still able to maintain an e. -- election. thank you, michael. good man. now, last week in preparation for super tuesday, i started counting down to the moment that i must finally accept romney'sen evidentability and realize my long-standing love and support for this man once there is no other choice. so let's see how much time is left. jim, bring up the countdown to loving mitt clock. oh, no. two minutes 45 seconds.
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really? aren't i supposed to get last meal first? i'm scared. pull it together, colbert. grow up. everybody has to compromise, except anyone in congress. okay. okay. i mean, how hard can it be? i trained myself to like olives. so, jim, i know romney won six states last night, just play the pundits telling me he's the inevitable nominee. >> no knock-out blow for mitt romney on super tuesday in ohio or elsewhere. >> rick santorum will have a lot of momentum tonight with three wins. >> mitt romney not waking up the clear front-runner. rick santorum proving this is still a two-i go race. >> rick santorum managed to slip the punch. he slipped the knock-out punch. >> stephen: wait! it's not over. rick santorum slipped the knock-out punch. knock-out punch, by the way, is what rush limbaugh slips his dates. the point is... [cheering and applause] romney did not close the deal last night.
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i've got more time, oh, god, i have to stop the clock before it goes off. okay. i've seen this beforement i have to cut one of the wires. okay. okay. but which one. do i cut the white wire, the off-white wire or the beige wire. god, i don't know. i can't decide. for some reason none of these wires are exciting me. if only one of these wires appealed to latinos. okay. all right. here goes nothing. [bleeped] okay. let me twist these back together. twist these back together. okay. wait a second. i know, i know. i'll just hit the snooze button. yes. yes. okay. four more days. okay. that... [cheering and applause] that's... that puts off my
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accepting mitt until saturday's primaries in wyoming, guam and the virgin islands. the big three. remember, no republican has ever become president without carrying the virgin islands. just like in democrat has ever won without carrying the slut peninsula. and, if santorum and gingrich keep this up, this could come down to an open convention, folksment then anyone could get the nomination, and i mean anyone. >> if we wind up with an open convention and someone wants to place your name, throw your name into the hat, would you stop them? would you be open to that? >> as i say, anything is possible, and i don't... i don't close any doors that perhaps would be open out there, so, no, i wouldn't close that door. >> stephen: yes, sarah palin would never close a door because there might be a camera behind it. so you know what, maybe it's not
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romney. it could be governor palin or chris christie or that baby sloth in pajamas that's been lying up the internet, or the ipad 3. i know i'd love to have him on the show. [laughter] now, of course, the next three months will be a grinding, delegate-counting death march to tampa, but if we get through that, a brokered convention would be a gripping spectacle as cnn proved last night, using virtual reality. jim? >> tom foreman is here to take us into what we're calling a virtual convention. so how could such a war actually shape up here where i'm virtually standing right now at the republican convention in tampa. this is where i will be tonight tracking the changes minute by minute and letting you see if
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we're getting closer to a wild, brutal, bruising, brokered convention or closer to the balloons dropping for a clear and obvious front-runner. >> finally, budget-strapped campbell news can use thousands of hours of digital renderings to avoid the crippling expense of balloons. and with virtual reality, i don't have to accept romney as the nominee. i can visit a convention where our choices are limited only by our imagination. that's why i have developed my own cyberconvention. it is called "stephen colbert's virtual conservagoggles with matching republicagloves. let me just strap in here. all right. nation, would you like to join me on a voyage to late summer of
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2012? [cheering and applause] well, i'm sorry, you can't. [laughter] because there's no output jack to this thing, so instead i'll just describe what i'm virtually experiencing. let me set the coordinates for tampa. [beeping sequence] >> goggles engage. oh, my god, i'm here. i'm in tampa. it's so real. and hot. i'm cyberschlitzing. i'm walking into the convention center. oh, the hall is filled with republican celebrities. hello, patricia heaton. hello, major dad. oh, now i'm riding a horse. i'm ride a horse. i'm riding fast, and i'm walking again. good boy. good boy.
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oh, it's a world where the physical laws don't apply. where's my body? i have a tentacle for hand. and my other hand is a laser cannon and here come the zombies. get behind me, patricia heaton. take that. take that zombie scum. got 'em. oh, now it makes sweet love to me, patricia heaton. don worry. don't worry. i'm not using contraception. [laughter and applause] oh, yes, care, care to join us in a three-way centaur abraham lincoln? yes, yes, it's an open virtual republican convention where anything is possible. wait! they're announcing the nominee. it's... it's... mitt romney. [bleeped]. [cheering and applause] really? come on.
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i got to get some cheat coats for this thing. in the mean-time, abe, patricia, let's do this. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> thank.
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welcome back, everybody. nation, i was going to wait to report on this next story tomorrow, but there may not be a tomorrow. because this threat comes from the actis of evil, which is just as evil and as axisy as ever. but tonight it's not iraq or north korea. tonight evil comes from... [beeping sequence] ... iran. didn't see that coming. jim? >> the possibility of yet another bloody battle in the middle east, this time against iran. >> could there be another war with iran? >> iran has been funding proxy wars now against our own military. i think the war's already started. it's percolating. >> that's right, a war with iran is already percolating. and much like coffee, you will be hot, overpriced and keep us
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up at night. at issue, folks, iran's nuclear program, which experts say is just weeks away from being just years away from building a bomb. the commander-in-chief has said when it comes to iran, everything is on the table, except the table obviously. that's impossible. so we might be going to war. unlike every other war we have fought, this one might get complicated. because last week iran held parliamentary elections and the atlantic magazine posted this photo of a voter wearing a toby keith american flag t-shirt with the words "god bless america." now, folks, this t-shirt presents two dangerous scenarios. one, what if that guy does love america and toby keith? [laughter] knowing that might prevent us from putting a boot up his ass. would we have ever stormed the beaches at normandy if we saw
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hitler wearing a glenn miller chattanooga cho-choo t-shirt. and here's a second danger of the two dangers i just mentioned moments ago, danger two, this guy might not love america. he could just be a hipster wearing that t-shirt ironically. after all, that's where irey comes from, iran. he's turning this into a farce in farsi. it was already bad enough that iran was hiding their nuclear intentions under ground. now they could be hiding under a thick layer of sarcasm. and the real threat is, folks, our hipsters could form a secret alliance with their hipsters. >> oh, yeah, that's going to happen. >> >> stephen: oh, good, good, it's our hipster audience member. hipster, i need to know, will you hipsters form a secret alliance with iran? >> yeah, we're totally going to
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do that. >> so you are? >> sure. down with the great satan. this is kind of important. why can't you just be direct. >> well, i guess i have a problem with trusting people, stephen, so i use sarcasm to mask my own insecurities. >> oh. [laughter] really? >> yeah, i'm totally insecure. whatever. now if you'll go excuse me, i have to go wipe israel off the map. >> stephen: are you really going to do that? >> um, i'm wearing the testimony shirt, so... >> stephen: okay, israel, the threat is real. from now on your problem is not suicide vests, it's going to be suicide skinny jeans. we'll be right back.
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weight loe expensive. so to save some money, i just got the popular girls from the local middle school to follow me around. ew. seriously? so gross. ew. seriously? that is so gross. ew. seriously? dude that is so totally gross. so gross...i know. there's an easier way to save. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. my guest tonight stars in "john carter," a new sigh tie movie about a civil war soldier who goes to mars. i knew the civil war wasn't about slivery. please welcome willem defoe. [cheering and applause] hey, mr. defoe, thanks so much. please, sit down. god, i'm torn is what i got to say. i'm absolutely torn to have you here. you have an amazing career. all right. you were in platoon, what a
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performance, incredible. shadow of vampire, spider-man, finding neemo, last temptation of christ. you are not forgiving. okay. you want... if you're here for forgiveness, you don't have it. >> okay. okay. >> stephen: a lot of people still mad at you about that one? >> last time i checked, it kind of goes away. >> stephen: not here. [laughter] like most christians, i hold a grudge. now, sir, your new movie is called "john carter." >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. you play a nine-foot-tall alien with four arms. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're a method actor, right? [laughter] how do you prepare far nine-foot-four armed alien? do you a ride along with what? >> it's called motion capture. you get a little help from animators. >> like ping pong balls on your
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body. >> partly that. also we actually filmed all the scenes because... >> stephen: on mars? >> yeah, utah, mars. >> stephen: hard to tell the difference. [laughter] >> amazingly similar. >> stephen: okay. so did you actually do it in a field with the stuff on your body or were you in a big groan room? >> always on location. the other interesting thing to me anyway was stilts. i had to wear stills to give me the right height. >> stephen: so you were actually wearing... >> which is great. >> stephen: you're ready to play uncle sam in a parade now. think about iment think about it. >> okay. okay. >> stephen: we have a clip of the movie. jim, can we? show the magic. >> you've got me. i surrender.
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[speaking foreign language] >> captain john carter, virginia. >> virginia. virginia. >> no. my name is john carter. i'm from virginia. >> virginia. laughter laugh >> stephen: i believe you. [applause] is that character based on anybody, that character? anybody, like erick erickson or chris christie? who is tars tarkus based on because he eventually starts speaking english. >> there is a thing called a
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script and a thing called can book that it's based on and that's what i worked from. >> stephen: so you had to learn like another language. is there a ms tarkus, a tiffany tarku su anywhere out there? >> you know what, you got to see the movie. i don't want to give it away. >> stephen: all right. all right. you haven't seen it, have you. you read your scenes and you went home. okay. as i said before, the performance in platoon was incredible. i saw that as a young man. i was incredibly affecting. everyone knows that moment at the end where you fall to your knees and your arms go up in an incredibly tragic moment. do fans ever come up to you on the street and say, "do the arm thing"? >> a little bit. >> jon: because after this, that tars tarkus guy, imagine how sad and affecting that would
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be? here's something that i like to ask all the actors that come on my show, are you, sir, are you a movie star or are you an actor? it's okay if you're either one, but don't you be mistaken about it. >> i don't get any other choices? >> stephen: no. i'll help you out here. do you wait tables for a a living? >> no. >> stephen: you're a movie star. [applause] well, willem defoe, thank you very much. by the way, does anybody call you will? >> uh, no. >> stephen: bill, thank you for joining us. willem defoe, "john carter," in theaters this friday. thank you so much. we'll be right back.
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